Political Mumbo Jumbo...The Picture Post.

A year and a half. And you fuckers didn't even call to see if we were ok. Well, we are, kinda. Twitch had some problems with a nasty infection after his "Change of Life Style" operation and I'm still recovering from a pulled groin muscle I sustained while winning a record 8 Gold medals in China. Anywho, I've been quite angry as of late. Politics, economy, mortgage crisis...The list goes on and on and on. But, instead of venting for a two and a half hour read I've decided to ease back into things. And by "ease back into things" I mean I'm at work and can't really write up a huge post. And by "I'm at work" I really mean I'm lazy.

So Picture Post it is!!!

Please don't stroke out, please don't stroke out, please don't...Yep, I'm stroking out...

Listen baby...I'm a grower, not a shower. Biggest. Penis. Ever.

Now John, in order for it to be a proper reach-around you've got to be behind me.

Fingers out Sarah...Make Der Fuhrer proud!

I find your lack of faith disturbing...

I told you John McCain had lost his mind a while ago. You all just didn't listen...

Click It or Stick It...In Your Ass!

First off, I would like to apologize for my recent inactivity and overall neglect of our happy little crushedtomato family. The events of the past few weeks have been quite taxing. I was going to list all the horrible things that have gone on in the House of Chewy, but then realized that most of you don't give a shit. So, on to the real reason I have decided post.

Fuck.New.Jersey. That's right, fuck this god awful state and it's corrupt, Nazi like politicians who make it impossible for people to stay here. Let me es'plain.

Recently, for those of you who don't know, Governor Corzine of New Jersey was involved in a near fatal accident on the Garden State Parkway. His driver was going "with the flow of traffic", Corzine was in the front seat, and the next thing you know, the black Chevy is up on the rail and everyone is banged up real bad.

Well, the Governor is banged up real bad. Almost dead as a matter of fact. See, apparently, for the Gov's entourage, the "flow of traffic" was about 91 mph. Obviously, they need not obey the local speed limits like me and every other poor commuting bastard, who gets a fucking ticket doing 66 in a 65. Anyway, everyone sort of writes off the speeding thing and the focus turns to another animal all together. Governor "It Took A Series of Miracles to Save My Life" Corzine wasn't wearing a seat belt. And this my friends, is where the story gets fucked up.

You see, overnight, seat belts have become the focus of every New Jersian's life. We have a new campaign titled, "Click It or Ticket!" of which I am sure you can surmise the premise. This has now been ingrained in our being, subconsciously drilled into our id, and other metaphors for things I don't really understand. The Governor has even released a public service announcement explaining how "I have to live with my mistake, you don't. Buckle Up." Well I'm here to tell you its all bullshit. Let me es'plain some more.

New Jersey is now under the watchful eyes of our Police Forces, who protect the average Joe from the dangers of not wearing a seat belt with a nice ticket. And the coppers are being sneaky bastards about it too. They are on foot now, hiding behind trees and parked cars, peeking out from under porches like the sexual predators most of them are. But back to my original point. Governor Corzine plainly states in his PSA that "I have to live with my mistake, you don't." Uh...Fucktard, if you don't want me to have to live with your mistake, why the fuck are you ticketing me for not wearing a seat belt. It sounds to me like you are bending me over the police car and fucking me solidly for your mistake. I personally would just rather live with it...

So OK, the Governor's a scheming politician, they all are. But lets think about the overall problem here. The New Jersey government did not purchase my car for me. Nor do they pay my insurance bills or medical bills. So why the fuck can they tell me to wear a seat belt? It's my right as an American Citizen who pays taxes and supports his shitty government to bare arms, say whatever the fuck I want, and not wear my god damned seat belt!

Here's another issue I have with these brainless fucks. They've set up "Click It or Ticket!" roadblocks on major NJ roads. All. Of. Them. I get the local guys hiding in the bushes, but come on boys. A road block on route 42 at 8AM while everyone is trying to get to Philly for work? Are you fucking kidding me?

And one last bone of contention. I've seen countless numbers of my brothers and sisters getting tickets over the past month for failure to wear their belts. Yet, interestingly enough, every Tom, Dick, and Knuckles on a motorcycle just cruises on by without a care in the world. Ex-fucking-scuse me? Did I miss the memo or something?

So whats the solution you ask? Well, seeing as to how the whole government is just one big cluster fuck of lobbyists and con men it's hard to say. I mean, lets get down to reality here. Wearing your seat belt may save your life, or, if you get hit just right, has the potential to collapse your windpipe and suffocate you. You may have lived if you went through the windshield instead of getting pinned in by the seat belt, and you may have died.

But it comes down to this. The insurance companies run this shitty state and instead of ponying up and saying "Look assholes, if your not wearing your seat belt, we aren't covering you." they've made a nice deal with the politicians. The insurance companies save money paying for accidents because of the reduced medical bills from wearing seat belts, and the government gets to ticket the countless masses who refuse to conform. In the end, they all win, and we get fucked once more by our elected officials.

I love you big insurance company man!

Oh yeah...There's no ticket for the governor's seat belt mishap. It was dropped after he publicly apologized. So the next time you get a ticket, go out to your town hall, apologize, and state the Jon Corzine Public Apology Case of '07.

The Big Gulp Conspiracy

Due to my profession, I end up spending a lot of time on the road and often in unfamiliar cities. Since Murphy is my co-driver, I try not to take unnecessary chances when it comes to food, so I find myself eating at fast food restaurants all too often. While I'm aware of the health implications of eating this kind of crap, there is a certain level of comfort that comes along with the eating at fast food establishments. After all, a McDonalds hamburger in America is the same as a McDonalds hamburger in France, except that (for reasons I still can't understand) beer is not a soft drink alternative here in The States.

While I probably wouldn't admit this in public, I've become somewhat of a fast food aficionado over the years and I find their standards (or lack there of) somewhat familiar and comforting. However, the one thing that always drives me crazy about these establishments is their inability to agree on drink sizes. For the sake of argument, I'm going to use "The Big 3" as an example:

"The Don" (McDonalds)

21 oz - Medium Size
32 oz - Large Size
42 oz - Super Size

"The King" (Burger King)

21 oz - Medium Size
32 oz - Large Size
42 oz - King Size

"The Redheaded Slut" (Wendy's)

21 oz - Small Size
32 oz - Medium Size
42 oz - Large Size

In case you haven't noticed, the word "small" is not in the vocabulary of The Don or The King. If you enjoy messing with the simple minded, the next time you visit one of these restaurants tell them you want the small, then when they ring you up for a medium you can cause a huge scene and tell them you ordered a SMALL! Once you're done causing a scene and your total comes out to $4.26, hand them a 5 dollar bill and a penny and watch the real confusion begin. If you get the "deer in headlights" look just say, "Oh, I'm sorry" then take the penny back and hand them some random amount of change - a quarter, 2 dimes and 3 pennies.

So back to my point...

First of all, in whose book is TWENTY ONE OUNCES a SMALL!?!? Frankly I wish they DID serve beer, so I that I can stumble in the door at home and say, "I only had 2 or 3 small beers!" Secondly, if you've become accustomed to The Don giving you a 21 ounce medium and then you order a medium at The Redheaded Slut, then you'll end up with a drink that requires its own zip code. Not to mention the fact that the container won't even fit into your car's cup holder and you'll be forced to drive with the beverage stuffed in between your legs while at every turn your Sprite is spilling onto your pants. Thanks fuckers, but my balls weren't that thirsty.

Having to deal with this drink size issue on almost a weekly basis got me to thinking... who's the fucktard(s) responsible for this oversized drink craze? Well, for those of you who are old enough to remember the days when 12 ounces meant small, you'll probably also remember that it was 7-11 that started it all with the now infamous 32 ounce Big Gulp, which was HUGE for it's time. A few years later the Big Gulp was reintroduced as the SUPER Big Gulp and was a massive 44 ounces. As if that wasn't enough, the 7-11 crew didn't stop there and a few years later they introduced the XTREME Big Gulp in a whopping 52 ounce size! WHAT THE FUCK! FIFTY TWO FUCKING OUNCES!? Oh but wait, it doesn't stop there... These fuckers had the balls to create a god damn 128 ounce beverage and call it The TEAM Gulp. You're probably saying, "Twitch, you're fucking kidding right?" If you don't believe me, do your own research and if you're too lazy (yeah, I'm talking about you Chewy), then you'll just have to take my word for it.

Fast food, big drinks, cheap cups... so what's the conspiracy? Well hang on and keep reading - my posts don't come in a small size either.

Now the pieces of the puzzle start to come together. Fast food restaurants start serving abnormally large drinks, they intentionally skew their naming conventions, they increase the sizes of their already unhealthy food to match their drink sizes and all of this just to match the standards already in place by a fucking convenience store! Does that really add up to anything? Well not yet...

There's something else worth noting about 7-11 convenience stores. The owners and employees always seem to share a common cultural bond. In an area with countless different franchise opportunities, 7-11 stores always seem to be owned by people of middle eastern descent. Coincidence? Also, all 7-11 stores seem to share the same strange and unidentifiable odor. Coincidence? Another common trait of the 7-11 store is that the hot dogs spinning on the rollers look like an old person's dirty feet. Coincidence? And you can also rest assured that during your visit you will be referred to as "buddy" at least once. Coincidence? I THINK NOT!

Ladies and Gentlemen of the supposed jury, I present this case to you with hopes that it will open your eyes to the horror that we have been exposed to. We have fallen victim to one of the slowest forming and longest running single terrorist attacks against the American public. We have blindly fallen victim to the attack spawned from the terrorist masterminds of the middle east. They have recruited members by the thousands and put them in charge of 7-11 convenience stores all across the United States to infest our culture and redefine what we call "LARGE"! Damn them to hell I say! We must stop Operation Big Gulp at once!

"But Twitch, Operation Big Gulp has gained so much momentum, how can we possibly stop it now!?"

*SLAP* *SLAP* SNAP OUT OF IT! As always, I have a plan...

We start by alerting the Daylight Savingsastan Police Department and make sure that they are on our side. Together with our dedicated Crushed Tomato readers (yes, that means YOU), we will form a coalition the size of which the world has never seen! Our mission is simple: Stop Operation Big Gulp at all costs!

Here's how it will all go down:

On July 11th, 2007 our coalition members will assemble at the nearest 7-11 to their home. You might be asking yourself, "How will I identify the other coalition members?" to which I will respond, "By the standard issue 'Learn it!' retro sport t-shirt available for only $18.99 at the Crushed Tomato online store." No words will be spoken, but all members will take a moment to synchronize their watches and at precisely 7:11:00 AM (Greenwich Mean Time of course) our plan will go into effect. Each member will run into the 7-11 screaming the Crushed Tomato battle cry of, "AHHHHHHH!" and head straight for the Slurpee machine. Once you reach the machine you will open all of the valves and run for the door screaming the battle cry once again. At this point it's every man for himself, but I'll leave you with these words of wisdom: Be brave, remember our cause and be sure to squat down a bit as you run out of the store so Babu can't get a good height reading on the door ruler.

American public fuels shitty news

I'm scanning the news today when something horrible dawns on me. The American public, by and large, are stupid. Now, I'm not referring to the high caliber crushedtomato reader, I'm talking about your everyday, run of the mill, brainwashed American. This realization hit me very hard and strangely felt like a frying pan to the nuts...

You see, right now I'm on a reputable site that has several headlines listed under the title, In The News. And out of nine headlines, six of them are complete bullshit. I mean total and utter, who the fuck cares, bullshit. Now, I will concede the point that these items are bullshit to me and may be earth shaking to other people, but that is what scares me. Let me explain.

- Tammy Faye Stops Cancer Treatment -

Uh...This is a news column. What the fuck do I care if Tammy Fay stopped getting treated for the Big C? I honestly didn't even know she was alive. I took a shit this morning after being constipated for three days, but thats not in the news...

- Earnhardt Jr. Dumping Dad's Company -

I understand NASCAR is the fastest growing sport in American (and I'm quite pissed off about it) but for the love of god, how does this get billing alongside of Tony Blair leaving office? Who the fuck makes that decision? "Prime Minister of England...NASCAR Driver...Run the Earnhardt Peice after Blair but before the 68 people who just got bombed to shit!"

- McBride Receives Protection Order -

Now your just being fucking ridiculous...

So I happened on over to another news site. A REAL news site with a tv show and all! But sure as shit, the third headline was about Earnhardt and the fifth was about Tammy Faye.

How the fuck have we fallen so low as to let our journalists feed us stories about shit that doesn't really matter. Reading the other headlines I was similarly perplexed. I don't care what Rosie has to say about anything, I could give a fuck that Paris Hilton cried cause she's going to jail, and if I have to listen to or read one more thing about American Idol I may stab myself with a rusty knife...in the eyes...

But the American Public loves this. They love the media hype and bullshit spoon fed to them on a daily basis. They clamor over gossip and tabloids, feeding the fires that will eventually be the downfall of our country. And I say that with conviction.

Where are the headlines about the fake Mickey Mouse Hamas or Fatah or one of those other group of crazy bastards used to spread their words of hatred and violence to the Palestinian Youth? Seriously folks, they made a kids show with a big black and white mouse who told the children to go to school, drink their milk, and resist with all force the vile Israelis and Americans. The fucking thing toted a pretend AK-47 for fuck's sake! It's like the Hitler Youth all over again, except without the fancy outfits, shiny boots, and half-assed mustaches.

M-i-c...C YOU IN HELL!!! K-e-y...Y? BECAUSE I KEEL YOU!

And here is the problem. As we sit here getting fat off of celebrity news and gossip, the rest of the world is planning our demise, yet we don't seem to get it. There are groups of people indoctrinating their children into extremist factions hell bent on the destruction of America and her Allies! But because the news agencies know that the general public loves shitty news, I'll have to continue going to other country's News Sites to get real news (about America mind you) and American journalists will continue to feed the public stories about has been televangelists and loudmouth entertainers.

As for me? I'm going to become a Scientologist and begin my enlightenment on the teachings of Xenu, the alien space tyrant. At least this way I'll get my bullshit on my own terms, instead of having it shoved down my throat.

Curse You DVD Man!!!

This just in, Six men described as 'Islamic radicals' have been charged in a plot to kill Fort Dix soldiers. The men have been arrested and charged with plotting to use automatic weapons to "kill as many soldiers as possible." There was one minor problem that the would be harbingers of death had though. They were stupid.

Now, I am by no means endorsing the killing of American Soldiers, quite the opposite, I'm a vehement opposer of the "War on Terror" (how you can declare war on a tactic is beyond me, but somehow, the American public falls for it...) But for fuck's sake, if your gonna do something like this, do it right and keep your mouth shut! Yet, as with most criminals, these men suffered the classic TV/Movie bad guy syndrome, they can never just shut the fuck up.

You see, these men, from South Jersey, practiced their little war games, playing countless hours of paint ball in the Pocono's. They recorded their sessions as well as actual arms training, you know, your average automatic weapons practice, out in the middle of the woods, alone with 5 other grown men...

Anyway, they had their plans all set. Laid it all out on video, set the whole thing to music so to speak. And then, they fucked up. Really. Fucked. Up. You see, these guys wanted their master plan brought to life, and took their VHS recorded tape to a local video guy to make a DVD out of it.


A word of the wise here to would be thieves, evildoers, and miscreants. It is never, EVER, good to record your plans or your actual criminal activity. And it's an even worse fucking idea to ask the local video guy to take said recorded plans and/or criminal activity to burn it to DVD for you. It won't end well, trust me...

Well, the video guy called the FBI who nabbed the "terrorists" after the men agreed to buy weapons from an informant posing as an arms dealer. They are scheduled to appear in court this afternoon at the U.S. District Court in Camden, N.J. For those of you who don't know anything about Camden, N.J., you can read up about it here (outdated, but still very very true...)

These poor bastards probably had a better shot of getting out of Fort Dix alive.

My Dream... (a picture post!)

...is that when this snotty, arrogant bitch walks out of prison, she has a tattoo across her chest reading thug life and proclaims her love for a bull dyke named Sam. Welcome to the "Simple Life"...of incarceration.

...is that, as someone suffering from arachnophobia, the world comes up with a plan to wipe out every spider on the planet. Fuck. Spiders.


...is that Warren Sapp loses some more weight, grows his dreadlocks back, gets into the meanest and leanest shape of his playing career, and snaps his tibia before the season starts. I don't like Warren Sapp.

...is that the HOFF gets his shit together. Where's K.I.T.T. when you need a ride to AA?


...is that Hector "MACHO" Camacho doesn't get ass fucked to bad in his latest stint to the joint. I mean, he's got a reputation to uphold. Look at the massive gold necklace and rock hard boner he's sporting. The guy sweats machismo...



...is that Jeff Van Gundy continues to coach forever. Not cause he's a great coach, cause he's funny to look at. I dare you to only look at this picture once...

What do you mean, bald spot?

They're back.

Daddy...The tv is Twitch'ing again...

First off, I'd like to apologize for the lack of content the past few days. This was mostly due in part to my computer being down and Twitch doing his monthly Nicaraguan drug run (he makes one hell of a mule). Luckily, thanks to much praying to the most glorious and almighty Matsuzaka (Supreme High Master Cleric SlickBomb will educate you all), my computer is working again. No formatting, no diagnostics, no nothing, just a healthy dose of praise for his almighty amazingness.

We also took this downtime to make a slight switch here at crushedtomato. In case you have yet to notice, we have moved the site to www.crushedtomato.com, thus making our goal for Africa Dot #1 closer to our grasp. Make sure you give out the new url to all your buddies, because remember, all the cool kids are doing it!

LEARN IT!

Out of Commission

Last night I walked into my home to find my precious computer locked in an eternal battle with Windows. It appears that Windows does not want to load properly and instead reboots to my little computing wonder only to not load again. Upon closer inspection I noticed a Blue Screen of Death, Microsoft's bastard child from that hooker in Vegas. This vicious cycle went on until I could not stand seeing my poor baby go through the painful process another time. And then I did the unthinkable. After approximately two and a half years in continuous service (I don't count soft boots as turning off the machine) I pulled the plug. It pained me greatly to do so, but I could not stand to watch it suffer so.

Unfortunately for everyone out there, I was about to write the best post ever written in the history of man, hell of the world! But alas, upon seeing the current situation my computer was in, I lost all train of thought and the drive to write (that and I don't take notes on paper).

I leave you now with the only Blue Screen of Death I can stand to look at...for hours on end...

mmmmmm...dual core....

Bilking the Rubes

While some of you may know the phrase that titles this post, I am going to assume that all of you do not. There are two reasons for this; one, it allows me to break down the phrase and explain it to everyone so that we are all on even footing, and two, by assuming you do not know the phrase it makes you all inferior to me and assists in inflating my ego to about the size of Anna Nicole after Playboy and before Trim-Spa (too soon? fuck you, she was a fat pig and illustrates my point nicely). Now, let’s continue.

Dictionary.com defines these two words individually as such (if I truly have to break down the word 'the' we are in a whole world of hurt; close your browser, get into your car, and drive off a bridge):

bilk tr.v. bilked, bilk·ing, bilks

a.To defraud, cheat, or swindle: made millions bilking wealthy clients on art sales.

b.To evade payment of: bilk one's debts.

noun

a.One who cheats.

b.Obsolete A hoax or swindle.

rube n.
Slang: An unsophisticated country person.

So there it is, a simple breakdown. When someone uses that phrase they are referring to someone ripping off another person of inferior intellect, "Man, did you see Slick bilk those rubes out of their hard earned cash?" Are we ok here? Because I need to continue on.

Recently, some immoral, unethical, and generally unpleasant doctor who runs a Veterinary "Hospital" (there were no double doors, stretchers, or helipad, explain that you bitch) decided that I was going to be the rube that she bilked. Unfortunately for her, I don’t like being cheated by anyone, and I especially don’t like being called a rube, ya hear?

So here's how it goes, with these events taking place over the course of four months. My dog gets sick and the doctor recommends a $325 allergy blood test and various cocktails to remedy the situation. Being the proud father of two children and thus being completely broke, I decided that treating the issue was more important than doing the blood test and letting my dog's condition worsen. The doctor then prescribed expensive drugs, sticky ointments, and a "specialized diet"(it now costs me more to feed my dog than my kids). The dog gets sick again during the drugs and diet plan, and the doctor recommends the SAME blood test but for $435 dollars this time. Strange, the price went up $110. I once again refuse the blood test, this time for a lack of confidence in the doctor, proceed to take the dog off her medications, ointments, and diet, and watch her condition stay the exact same. That’s right, after taking her off the medicine, her condition does not worsen. After yet another flare up, I decided that it was time to get the damn blood test, even though I KNEW the doctor was overcharging me. I called the "Hospital" and was placed on the line with the doctor who explained she had an opening Friday morning, and reminded me not to forget the $525 for the test. Ex-fucking-cuse me? How much?

At this point, me being the level-headed intellectual that I am, I kindly explained to her the finer points of our previous conversations, highlighting the monetary requirements that had been discussed and how said requirements had increased seemingly with the declining health of my valued companion. I conceded the point that due to the rise in gas prices delivery charges could increase, which in turn, would directly effect her clients pricing, but not by such a dramatic number. I am quiet unsure as to where the conversation went from this point, but a bystander said they heard me yell the phrase, 'Fuck. Off.' followed by the noise a phone's handset makes when you smash it against its lifeless plastic base repeatedly.

Point, Chewy.

Postscript - I took to the dog to a new vet. It cost me less than $200 for the initial visit, grooming, medication (one kind, no ointments, the doctor said to get some over the counter stuff which costs less), and, you guessed it, the all important allergy blood test. I'm totally happy with the new vet, and she's got hottie assistants. I'll be bringing my new bill (allergy test cost will be highlighted and underlined) over to the old "hospital" to pin up on their community board. Bilk this, bitch.

The Rotten 11: Drive like a Tomato

It's becoming almost a tradition here at the Tomato for me to introduce and set the tone for each new segment. The latest addition is one that we like to call 'The Rotten 11'. Think of this as our version of the Letterman Top Ten List, or the Car and Driver 10 Best, or the FBI's Ten Most Wanted, but all of those lists share one common flaw that is not present in The Rotten 11. Once those blokes hit 10, where can they go from there? Nowhere! Exactly! What we do to get that extra push over the cliff is continue our list to 11. Why not just make our list a little better, have it stop at 10 and be satisfied with that? Well. Our list goes to 11.

11. The Slow Jacker - This is the type of driver that doesn't quite understand the concept of merging into faster traffic. You'll most often find this driver pulling onto a highway at half the posted speed limit and continuing at that speed for miles. What really pisses me off about these people is that they can't stay in the right lane! If you want to drive slow, that's fine, but just stay the fuck out of my way. Oh, and these bastards are usually the type that will pull onto a busy street with no regard for oncoming traffic. This is usually followed by the fanfare of brakes screeching, horns blaring, fingers flailing and The Slow Jacker continues on their way completely unaware of any wrong doing.

10. The Road Warrior - Well excuse me Mr. Fucking Office-In-The-Car, is all of this driving interfering with your business meeting? Every day I encounter at least one of these bastards and their tells are unmistakable. From afar, these drivers can usually be spotted by the patented slow swerving and erratic braking that seems to mimic that of an intoxicated driver. However, a quick glance into the German sports sedan will reveal a driver on the cell phone, drinking coffee, eating a sandwich, taking notes, reading the paper, changing pants-- all while steering with one knee. If you are so inclined, beep your horn at the fucker and be prepared for a very smug "what's your problem?" kind of look in return. Show him that he's number one and carry on with your drive.

9. The Good Samaritan - I see a lot of bullshit on the road every day that I can accept, but here's one fucker that I'd love to punch in the pie hole. This guy is never in any hurry and will stop every chance that he gets to let someone get in front of him. You all know that old bastard down that street that you don't want to get stuck behind when you're running late for work in the morning. He'll stop at intersections where he has the right of way and he will insist on waving everyone waiting at the opposing stop sign through the intersection. Listen fucker, you may not be in any hurry to get to bingo, but one more tardy and my ass is grass, so put your right foot to the floor and MOVE IT!

8. The Eventual Left - I hardly need to explain this one, but that never stopped me before. This driver will have a turn signal on for miles without every making a turn or lane change. Let's be blunt here...I'm talking about old people! If you see a Buick or any car with a Florida license plate, just do yourself a favor and stay the fuck away. Although this driver is pretty annoying, I never thought of them as being very dangerous until recently. A Buick with Florida plates (double whammy) was in the left lane of a two lane road with a left turn signal on. Approaching an intersection, the Buick casually makes a right hand turn and passes just a few feet in front of me forcing me to slam on the brakes. Touché.

7. The Merge Deflector - Having driven in numerous big cities for many years, I've begun writing a book called "The Art of the Merge." Well actually it's more of a pamphlet, but I'm lazy--so FUCK OFF! Anyway, for those of you that are not aware, the most common method of merging is the alternate merge. This means that one car from the left goes, then one car from the right goes and then back to the left again. It's a really simple concept, but yet it never ceases to amaze me when some fucktard insists on not allowing an alternate to pull in. Well it's a good thing you pushed through for that extra 1 car lead otherwise you might have been late for supper. I hope you choke on your weinerschnitzel you son of a bitch!

6. The Red Light Crawler - Certainly one of my favorite types of drivers is The Red Light Crawler. This is the guy that pulls up to a red light and just can't fucking wait for the damn thing to turn green. Every two seconds this guy is inching his way further into the intersection as if the traffic lights are going to say, "Oh shit! That guy is in a hurry! Wake up green!" By the time the light finally changes, he's halfway into the intersection. Here's the kicker... You'd expect this guy to be so happy that the light is finally green that he would dump clutch and smoke his tires through the intersection, yelling "YEEEE HAAAAA" like Bo and Luke would have, but nope. Suddenly this guy is in no hurry and isn't even paying attention to the light. Now I'm sure that I could be found guilty of being a Red Light Crawler at least once in my life, but I can assure you that diarrhea was probably involved somehow.

5. The Road Snob - Here's another one of my personal favorites. This driver is type that can do no wrong. He's going to run the yellow light even when it's already turned red, he's going to block opposing traffic on a major road so that he can get into the McDonalds drive-thru a little quicker, and the absolute worst, he's going to cut you off and give you a ”thank you” wave as if you let him in. I'd love to setup a booth where I could tie up one of these bastards and charge people to walk up and punch him/her in the face. The only caveat would be that you'd have to wave ”thank you” right after each punch.

4. The Toll Hijacker - If you are reading this then I'm sure you are aware of this revolutionary invention of Al Gore's called The Internet. And on this Internet you may be aware that there is a World Wide Web which serves websites that provide all kinds of information to the reader. Some of the coolest websites are those that provide us with turn-by-turn directions to just about anywhere we want to go! So stop being a moron, and use these fucking sites! The toll collector is not someone to ask directions nor are they there to provide you with roadside conversation to help make your commute a little easier. These people are not your friends - their job is to take your fucking money and keep their yap shut. The next time you pull up to a toll booth, pay your toll, take your receipt, and SHUT THE FUCK UP! In case you were not aware of all the beeping behind you, some of us have places to go, and hanging out at the toll plaza is not exactly my idea of a good time.

3. The Lane Jumper - When I was a kid, I remember one of the adults at school (whatever you call those fuckers) told us the story of the turtle and the hare. As with everything else in school, it's pasteurized and homogenized and by the time the students are exposed to it, the product is a steaming fucking pile of politically correct nonsense! The way I think this story really goes is that some fucktard teenager in a rice rocket thinks he's hot shit when he weaves in and out of traffic and cuts across multiple lanes of traffic. Somebody needs to explain to this bozo that Rosy Palm and her 5 friends don't have a curfew, so there's no need to hurry.

2. The Blinker Bandit - One of my biggest peeves of all time are the stupid ass mother fuckers that don't use turn signals. I wish I could strangle every one of you bastards! All of you have caused me so much pain and suffering that I wish horrible things upon you... things too horrible to even type! In case you bastards haven't noticed, we're trying to build a society out there. Your disregard for those around you make it pretty obvious that you don't want to be part of our civilization. Is it really that difficult to flick the lever a couple of feet before a turn or as a warning that you're about to cut me off? The only excuse you could possibly have for not using a turn signal is if you have a broken blinker finger or you have a thumb up your ass! Either way, do us all a huge fucking favor and move you and your entire fucking family to Florida!

1. The Fast Lane Snoozer - I'll admit it; I like to drive fast. There, I've said it! Does that make me a bad guy? But alas, sometimes I like to drive slow! I know it may be hard to believe, but it's true, I do enjoy a slow drive every once in a while. However the way I'm different from most people is that when I'm in the mood to drive slow, I get in the right lane and when I want to drive fast, I move over to the left lane. Why is this such a fucking difficult concept to grasp!? If you are in the left lane and you see a vehicle approaching you from behind at a high rate of speed, guess what? YOU'RE DRIVING TOO SLOW - GET THE FUCK OUT OF THE WAY! Don't keep glancing at your rear view mirror at me like a moron, just MOVE! Why is this such a difficult concept to grasp? The fact that I'm beeping the horn, flashing my headlights, crowding your mirrors, and tailgating you should give you some idea that I'm unhappy with my current predicament. Since my anger is directed at you, that should give you another clue that you are the cause of my unhappiness. Be a decent human being and reach over, click the little blinker lever, check your mirror, gently ease the steering wheel to the right, return the blinker to it's neutral position and for the love of all that is holy, DON'T REPRODUCE!!!

Our Map:Africa or Bust!

As I sit here and ponder the fate of universe and the otherworldly, it dawned upon me that we may have visitors from other countries checking in on our little site. So, being the good worker monkey that I am, I trekked over to our stat pages and found something pleasantly surprising. People are crushing tomatoes in over 5 countries...Not bad considering we are less than a month old.

But then something hit me. And after I put that little shit to bed (fuck with daddy will you...) I sat back down only to realize that we had no reader dot in Africa. Let me repeat that...WE HAVE NO DOT IN AFRICA! Come on now people, this is the place of the beginning of life as we know it, the womb from which the first men and women were born! Yet, sadly, there is no one on the whole continent of Africa that know we exist. While this may not seem a big deal to you, it has me in a deep state of depression. Ladies and Gentlemen, we must spread the word. Africa must know of crushedtomato.

And so I have decided to create a new column where I will be periodically updating you all on our current map dot situation. I say our because you are all an integral part of spreading the gospel of crushedtomato. Consider yourselves the James, Mathews, and... no, not you Judas, fuck off you prick, to our Jesuses (Jesusii?).

Your mission is clear. Africa Dot #1.

Random Content:Upcoming TV Schedule

In case you all were unaware, The Discovery Channel has a show which is named I Shouldn't Be Alive. Basically, the show tells the stories of men and women who have lived through ordeals that should have left them dead, hence the title my little Einsteins! Well, this week there is to be a very special I Shouldn't Be Alive. You see boys and girls, this week's episode is about a mixed martial artist named Mirko CRO COP, who recently got kicked to death.


Ok, so he didn't really die, but whomever saw the fight was glued to the TV waiting for the big Croatian to take a breath while he was laid out on the mat after taking a devastating kick to the head. And while still unknown, it may be very possible that the man who implemented said devastating kick (Gabriel Gonzaga, the guy not dead in the picture above), who subsequently should be forced to register that leg of doom as a lethal weapon, may be the only human being alive to break someones ankle...by kicking them in the head.

Make sure you catch a very special Thomas the Tank Engine, where Mr. Conductor degrades your child by calling him/her a "rude, thoughtless pig." Ebert calls it Baldwin's best work since... since...Just watch!!!

Next time, pick up the fucking phone Thomas...